Depression

I never followed up with the Ultimate Reset. Why? Because I drank. I got so drunk on 2/14, then I threw in the towel. I’ve spent the last 6 weeks alternating between drinking and trying to eat right. I’m so pathetic.

That brings me to my next point. Depression. My coach posted a wonderful blog about the difference between postpartum depression and just having a bad day. She pointed out that she knows when she is depressed. She neglects herself. She doesn’t work out, she doesn’t meal prep, she doesn’t do what she needs to do.

That is where I am.

And I have no support. No one who understands. My significant other just points out all my flaws as if I don’t know them. He just doesn’t get that I have no will to be better. I don’t care anymore. That’s depression. I’m so tired. I just try to get through the day. Isn’t that sad and pathetic?

It is.

I need a change of scenery. I need some help.

I need to find me again.

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Ultimate Reset – Week 1 Observations

First things first – I completed Week 1 of the Beachbody Ultimate Reset! *cheers*

Honestly, it wasn’t as bad as I expected. When I began it, I had real fears about being hungry or not being able to stick to it when it came to happy hours or the weekend. I worried I wouldn’t like some of the food or I would grow tired of it. Lunch is provided at my work, so I worried that I would cave and eat whatever was brought in that day.

But I didn’t.

week1doneHere are some observations I made this past week.

  1. Food and drinking is a social event for me. I enjoy the ritual of cooking and dinner. I enjoy the nightly glass of wine (or two!) with my fiancé. I enjoy our Bloody Marys on the weekend. I enjoy lunch with my co-workers. By focusing on eating for energy rather than the ritual, I kind of find myself a little depressed. I feel I’m depriving myself of those things rather than the food itself. Does that make sense?
  2. I actually really like clean food. Everything I ate this week, with the exception of zucchini soup, I enjoyed. I didn’t get tired of it like I feared. Even with the zucchini soup, I have decided I’m going to make it an alfredo sauce for healthier pasta once the reset is done.
  3. While I don’t have as much energy as I hoped, I feel less heavy. I don’t feel bloated. I feel sleeker and my skin looks fabulous.

My results for one week are:

Weight: -11.4 lbs
Chest: -1 in
Hips: no change
Waist: -0.5 in
Arm: – 1 in
Thigh: no change

Not bad 🙂

Here’s to Week 2!

Goal List – Next 3 Years

I’m heading back to this list and will work to complete it all! Why am I doing this? One, to complete something I can be proud of. Another is to be a better person. They say lists are important…that if you write down a goal, you can achieve it. Well these are my goals. In the end, I hope to be a more well-rounded person and learn a little about myself and the people around me at the same time 🙂

Here’s my list for the next 3 years.

Internet/Technology
Blog once a week for a year
Create and publish an app.
Buy a new Mac laptop
Create my own website
Create a fun music video
Create a fun YouTube video
Learn PHP
Host my own health blog
Be a guest blogger on another blog
Create a video for YouTube highlighting a good cause

Lifelong Goals
Finish a novel
Buy a house
Complete graduate school
Get married
Create my own online business

Humanity
Volunteer at a Houston Habitat for Humanity site
Donate blood
Find out my blood type
Do a random good deed for someone without them knowing
Participate in the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure
Volunteer at a soup kitchen on a holiday
Make a donation in my father’s name

Artistic Expression
Take a photography class
Attend a cooking class
Learn to play a musical instrument
Write a song
Finish learning French
Sell art on Etsy

Health & Beauty
Take a vitamin every day for a month
Attend a yoga/pilates class
Complete 4 Beachbody programs
Work out 5 times a week for 6 months (0 of 6)
Get down to 150 lbs
Travel to another state to compete in a competition
Take my lunch to work every day for 30 days
Get a spray on tan
Have a spa day
Live as a pescatarian for a week
Participate in Shiner B.A.S.H.
Complete a Tough Mudder
Get my haircut on a regular basis for a year
Run a 5K
Run a 10K
Run a half marathon
Do a run once a month for a year (0 out of 12)

Financial
Pay off credit cards (0 of 4)
Invest in something other than my 401(k)
Save $5,000
Go a month without buying anything for myself that isn’t a necessity
Save $20 a month for a great vacation at the end of goal (0/33)
Stick to a budget for one month, 100%
Pay off car

Friendships & Relationships
Send 10 ‘Just Because’ cards to friends not in town (0 – 10)
Send out Christmas cards (on time for once)
Call at least one friend at least one time a week for 6 months (0 of 6)
See Blue October with Jess Robbins
See Incubus or Bowling for Soup with Katie Leininger
Visit Jess Robbins in Connecticut
Visit Rebecca Loya in Florida

Self Improvement
Go to the Menil Museum
Attend a Christmas play
Attend a concert in Discovery Park
Shop at a farmer’s market
Master 10 amazing fancy recipes and cook them for others (0 of 10)
Read the 12 personal development books in a year (0 of 12)
Learn how to change a flat tire
Learn how to change the oil on my car
Learn how to shoot a gun
See 10 classic movies that I have never seen (0 of 10)
Reread Dante’s The Divine Comedy

Family
Invite my family over for a home cooked dinner
Call my mom every Sunday for 6 months (0 of 6)
Record family history either by video or by hand
Record my favorite recipes by my mom and grandmother

Home
Buy a piece of artwork I can’t live without
Buy a new bedroom set
Clean out my closet
Move my college degree from my parents house
Buy a new dining room set
Find a place that I love and settle there for a few years

Travel
Visit the Grand Canyon
Have gelato in Rome
Go out of the country with a significant other
Go on a road trip with my mom
Take a girls trip
Visit Washington D.C.
Go on a cruise (preferably Mediterranean)
Visit a winery

Spiritual
Pray every day for a month
Go to church on a non-holiday

Brooklyn
Take Brooklyn to Disney World
Make a photo book about Brooklyn
Invest $1000 in Brooklyn’s name
Take Brooklyn to NYC
Take Brooklyn to Florida
Enroll her in Sunday School
Write her a letter a week to give to her in 15 years
Get Brooklyn into the Dual Language Program
Learn Spanish with Brooklyn

Starting Again

I’m 33. It’s 334 days until I am 34. The reality of my life is it is lacking. I love my job, and it is fulfilling. But I still don’t feel like I’ve fulfilled a great purpose. I’ve been questioning it for 10 years, fluctuating between happiness and depression. But I’ve decided to put on my big girl panties and begin again. I’m not getting any younger right?

This week, I made my first step. I’ve decided that my health is my number one priority this year. Last year, I ended up in the ER thinking I was having a heart attack. Officially, my diagnosis at the ER was a panic attack. Another occurrence happened when I was in NYC, though I didn’t go to the ER. I just freaked out thinking I was dying alone in a hospital room. Not a good feeling. Overall, my health couldn’t have been it that terrible of shape. At my annual physical, all of my numbers were in the normal range. But still, when you have pains in your heart, and the heart begins to race, you wonder. Plus, I just ache all over. I’m out of breath at times. And my clothes no longer fit.

Because of all these reasons, I began the Beachbody Ultimate Reset. I chose this program over others because it’s step by step. They provide a book with recipes and it tells you what to eat and when. It’s a three step process: Reclaiming your body, releasing toxins from the body, and restoring the body’s digestive system, optimizing it. It’s not easy, but it’s not the hardest thing I’ve done. The food is easy to prepare for the most part. It’s just all about the preparation.

I’m currently on day 3. In just three days, I’ve noticed  I’m already feeling more energized and my sense of smell is improved. This could just be because I’m removing junk from my diet. I’m not drinking on this reset either. And look how yummy my lunch looked:

day3lunch

Doesn’t that look delicious?

Has anyone else done the Ultimate Reset? Do you have any recipes that you used in place of the ones provided? How did it go?

Humility then Depression

What can I say? The last two months have been hell for me. I lost my income at the end of September. Having a great income then none is a lesson in humility. I’ve had to ask for help. I’ve had to sell some things. I’ve had to figure out an alternative. None of it has been easy.

As a result, I’ve completely fallen into a depression. I’ve picked fights with my fiance. I’ve stopped taking care of myself. I’ve drank way too much. I’ve overeaten. I’ve stopped exercising. I’m sad and feel so pathetic. I know the ways to be healthy, both physically and mentally, but I’m exhausted.

I need a game plan to get out of this funk. What do you do when you are depressed? What’s the first step to picking yourself up?

depression

My quest to thrive.

Something has been weighing on my mind ever since I saw my daughter mimicking my actions.

IMG_1750
Our kids are watching. Everything.

Now, you may be thinking, “Well, duh, I know that.” Follow me here a second. Our kids are watching. They notice when we do good habits. They notice when we do our bad habits. They repeat our actions and our words. For this reason, it’s super important to do something:

Take care of ourselves.

As I’m sitting at Starbucks, listening to The Chalene Show, she began talking about how important it is for us to take care of ourselves first. She states,

“…if I want my kids to thrive, they have to see what it means to thrive. They need to see me exercise and they need to see me being happy. They need to see me in a committed, happy, loving relationship with their father. They need to see me enjoying time with my friends. They need to see me having peace when my work is done. They need to see by me role modeling that I am enough. They need to see peace so that they can have peace. They need to know that I value myself if they’re ever going to value themselves.”

This stopped me in my tracks. I asked myself immediately, “Does my daughter see me thriving?”

Sadly, the answer is no. She sees me stumbling. She sees me trying for a few days then giving up. She sees me overweight and unhappy. She sees me cry. These things are not thriving. They are the opposite, and I would never want that for her.

So here is my game plan. Here’s how I’m going to motivate myself to be someone she sees thriving.

  1. I am going to stop drinking. Period. For the foreseeable future. Drinking limits me in many ways and I’m really starting to hate the woman I am when I’ve been drinking. This is the key to the rest of the list. It’s also the hardest because my fiancé is a drinker. I am committing to following The 30 Day Solution.
  2. I will continue exercising every day. If it means getting up early, I will. I will just start daily. On those days I don’t want to, I’ll go 10 minutes and that’s it. But I will start.
  3. I will continue to follow my meal plan and prep. A healthy body helps me feel better mentally. I’ve done good in this area, minus the drinking.
  4. I will do something daily that is just for me. Read a book. Take 20 minutes to meditate. Something that is just for me and my mental health. Every single day.

This is in writing now. I can’t take it back. I believe if I do these four things, I will begin to thrive and my daughter will see her mother being a strong, passionate, thriving woman. And in time, that is what my daughter will become.

Pokemon Go.

I have caved.

I’ve never been interested in Pokemon. Being born in the early 1980s, the whole Pokemon craze happened after I was “too cool” for it. I always thought it was super lame. Until Pokemon Go. I recommend playing the game if you’re interested in fitness. Just be sure to be smart about it. Don’t go in people’s yards, don’t meet up with people you don’t know, etc. Use common sense. But GET THOSE POKEMON!

In the last 72 hours, according to my FitBit, my stats are:

I’ve walked 18.1 miles.
I’ve taken 33,975 steps.
I’ve burned 10,190 calories.
I’ve had 200 active minutes.

That is awesome – it’s so much more than I’ve been doing. I get up, I walk. I work. I pick up Brooklyn and we go hunting Pokemon. It’s just fun! I hate that it’s taken a game to get me inspired, but it is what it is. At least I’m being active! On top of this, I’ve really paid attention to my diet and really made smart choices 🙂

My meals today:

Breakfast: Spirutein protein shake
Lunch: Minestrone with a pulled pork quesadilla (all homemade)
Dinner: Pork stir fry with veggies and quinoa

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Detox drink: 2 x
Water: 72 ounces of cucumber lemon water + 16 oz of water

I believe that the greatest gift you can give your family and the world is a healthy you. –  Joyce Meyer

 

 

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Reflections of Day 2

Day 2 was hard but I didn’t feel committed. I ended up eating out at lunch because I was running errands. I made the usual excuse: I’m out anyway, may as well eat. Aside from that, today was pretty successful. I got my water in – 112 oz baby! Water with lemon is delicious by the way. I recommend it! On a plus side, I walked 2 miles tonight! Got my fitness minutes in and I have some time to get the rest of my steps in. Woot!

Dinner was a new recipe – pulled pork tacos with slaw.

Ingredients:

For the pork:
2.5 lbs of pork
2 Tbsp of HEB Hickory Seasoning
A jar of Robert’s Reserve BBQ sauce (next time, I’m using Sweet Baby Ray’s BBQ sauce)
Onion, chopped

For the taco:
Tortillas, fajita size
Red onion, chopped

For the slaw:
1 cup HEB Chopped Ranch Salad
1 cup mayonnaise
1/4 cup sugar
1/4 white vinegar
Pinch of pepper
Pinch of ranch seasoning

Steps:

Get out the slow cooker – this is super easy! First, chop your onion and put it in the crock pot. Put your pork in. Top it with hickory seasoning. Dump the BBQ sauce in. Cook on high for 3-4 hours or on low for 8-9. I did low.

About 2 hours before it’s done, make your slaw. Mix the mayonnaise, sugar, pepper, ranch and vinegar in a blender or Magic Bullet. In a bowl, mix the chopped salad with the mixture. Chill until ready to serve

Once the meat is ready, pop the tortillas in the oven for a minute to warm them. Build the taco by putting the onion on, the pulled pork and top it off with the slaw. Bon appetite!

pulledpork

 

Day 1…again

I won’t say that I am a failure because I’m still alive and still have a chance to turn it around. I will say that I have never been 100% successful with my weight loss journey – that’s fair. With that said, today is Day 1 back on the bandwagon!

It is exactly 22 days until I go to Chicago. Currently, I weigh the most I have ever weighed – even more than I weighed at 9 months pregnant 😦 Losing my friend in May totally sent me into a depression and I drowned myself in a bottle. Sad, but that’s the reality of where I am today. Binging, both on food and drink, is never good, kids. My goal is to lose some inches and a few LBs before Chicago. I’d love to fit in my size 18 shorts. It’s going to take some work and a change of diet, but I think I can do it. As they say, it takes 21 day to make a new habit.

With that said…I’ll be doing the 21 Day Fix. I’ll be using this blog as my accountability friend as well as a reflection of my mental status as I undergo this process.

Today’s Mood: Nervous but excited
Today’s Meals:
Breakfast: Linguine with grilled chicken (2 yellows, 1 red, 1 purple)
Lunch: Minestrone soup with a side grilled chicken salad (3 greens, 1 purple, 1 red, 1 orange, and 1 yellow)
Today’s Inspirational Quote: 

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Revisiting my list

I’ve been in deep thought the last few days. What’s my purpose? Why am I watching others live their dream but I’m barely keeping my head above water. It’s unsettling to say the least. I have had so many opportunities that I threw away. But that doesn’t mean that I have to keep throwing them away, right? Right.

So little pep talk. About 7 years ago, I made a list of things I wanted to do. I got through…maybe a 3rd of them. So I’m going to adjust the list, and restart it where I left off. I’ll give myself the 1,001 days to do the rest.

Here’s the key:
Completed Item
Work in Progress
Haven’t started

Internet/Technology
Blog once a week for a year
Create an app (December 2013)
Upgrade to a flat screen TV (March 30, 2013)
Buy a nice video digital camera
Create my own website (August 2013)
Create a fun music video
Create a fun YouTube video
Learn PHP
Host my own blog
Be a guest blogger
Create a video for YouTube highlighting a good cause

Lifelong Goals
Finish a novel
Buy a house
Complete graduate school
Get engaged
Create my own online business

Humanity
Volunteer at a Houston Habitat for Humanity site
Donate blood
Find out my blood type
Do a random good deed for someone without them knowing
Participate in the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure
Volunteer at a soup kitchen on a holiday
Make a donation in my father’s name

Artistic Expression
Take a photography class
Attend a cooking class
Learn to play a musical instrument
Write a song
Finish learning French
Sell art on Etsy

Health & Beauty
Take a vitamin every day for a month (July 2013)
Attend a yoga/pilates class
Complete 3 Beachbody programs without stopping (0 of 3)
Work out 3 times a week for 6 months (0 of 6)
Get down to 150 lbs
Go to Zumba in Discovery Park
Take my lunch to work every day for 30 days
No sodas for one month (Diet Coke included!) (July 2013)
Get a spray on tan
Have a spa day
Live as a pescatarian for a week
Participate in Shiner B.A.S.H.
Complete a Tough Mudder
Get my haircut on a regular basis for a year

Financial
Pay off credit cards (0 of 4)
Invest in something other than my 401(k)
Save $5,000
Go a month without buying anything for myself that isn’t a necessity
Save $20 a month for a great vacation at the end of goal (0/33)
Stick to a budget for one month, 100%
Pay off car

Friendships & Relationships
Send 10 ‘Just Because’ cards to friends not in town (0 – 10)
Send out Christmas cards (on time for once)
Call at least one friend at least one time a week for 6 months (0 of 6)
See Blue October with Jess Robbins
See Incubus or Bowling for Soup with Katie Leininger
See Taking Back Sunday with Lauren Dollar (July 2014)
Visit Jess Robbins in Connecticut
Visit Rebecca Loya in Florida

Self Improvement
Go to the Menil Museum
Attend a Christmas play
Attend a concert in Discovery Park
Shop at a farmer’s market
Master 10 amazing fancy recipes and cook them for others (0 of 10)
Read the books on this list if I have not done so already
Learn how to change a flat tire
Learn how to change the oil on my car
Read 10 classic books that I have never read (0 of 10)
Reread Dante’s The Divine Comedy

Family
Invite my family over for a home cooked dinner
Call my mom every Sunday for 6 months (0 of 6)
Call my grandmother once a week for 6 months (0 of 6) Sadly, my grandmother passed away in March 2013. I already miss her.
Record family history either by video or by hand
Record my favorite recipes by my mom and grandmother
Host a holiday at my home (Thanksgiving 2013)

Home
Buy a piece of artwork I can’t live without
Buy a new bedroom set
Clean out my closet
Move my college degree from my parents house
Buy a new dining room set
Find a place that I love and settle there for a few years
Move into my own place (March 2013)

Travel
Visit the Grand Canyon
Have gelato in Rome
Go out of the country with a significant other
Go on a road trip with my mom
Take a girls trip
Visit Washington D.C.
Go on a cruise (preferably Mediterranean)
Visit a winery

Spiritual
Pray every day for a month
Go to church on a non-holiday

Brooklyn
Take Brooklyn to Disney World
Make a bear at Build-A-Bear (March 13, 2013)
Potty train Brooklyn
Make a photo book about Brooklyn
Invest $1000 in Brooklyn’s name
Take Brooklyn to NYC
Take Brooklyn to Florida
Enroll her in Sunday School
Write her a letter a week to give to her in 15 years