Category Archives: Uncategorized

Depression

I never followed up with the Ultimate Reset. Why? Because I drank. I got so drunk on 2/14, then I threw in the towel. I’ve spent the last 6 weeks alternating between drinking and trying to eat right. I’m so pathetic.

That brings me to my next point. Depression. My coach posted a wonderful blog about the difference between postpartum depression and just having a bad day. She pointed out that she knows when she is depressed. She neglects herself. She doesn’t work out, she doesn’t meal prep, she doesn’t do what she needs to do.

That is where I am.

And I have no support. No one who understands. My significant other just points out all my flaws as if I don’t know them. He just doesn’t get that I have no will to be better. I don’t care anymore. That’s depression. I’m so tired. I just try to get through the day. Isn’t that sad and pathetic?

It is.

I need a change of scenery. I need some help.

I need to find me again.

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Goal List – Next 3 Years

I’m heading back to this list and will work to complete it all! Why am I doing this? One, to complete something I can be proud of. Another is to be a better person. They say lists are important…that if you write down a goal, you can achieve it. Well these are my goals. In the end, I hope to be a more well-rounded person and learn a little about myself and the people around me at the same time 🙂

Here’s my list for the next 3 years.

Internet/Technology
Blog once a week for a year
Create and publish an app.
Buy a new Mac laptop
Create my own website
Create a fun music video
Create a fun YouTube video
Learn PHP
Host my own health blog
Be a guest blogger on another blog
Create a video for YouTube highlighting a good cause

Lifelong Goals
Finish a novel
Buy a house
Complete graduate school
Get married
Create my own online business

Humanity
Volunteer at a Houston Habitat for Humanity site
Donate blood
Find out my blood type
Do a random good deed for someone without them knowing
Participate in the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure
Volunteer at a soup kitchen on a holiday
Make a donation in my father’s name

Artistic Expression
Take a photography class
Attend a cooking class
Learn to play a musical instrument
Write a song
Finish learning French
Sell art on Etsy

Health & Beauty
Take a vitamin every day for a month
Attend a yoga/pilates class
Complete 4 Beachbody programs
Work out 5 times a week for 6 months (0 of 6)
Get down to 150 lbs
Travel to another state to compete in a competition
Take my lunch to work every day for 30 days
Get a spray on tan
Have a spa day
Live as a pescatarian for a week
Participate in Shiner B.A.S.H.
Complete a Tough Mudder
Get my haircut on a regular basis for a year
Run a 5K
Run a 10K
Run a half marathon
Do a run once a month for a year (0 out of 12)

Financial
Pay off credit cards (0 of 4)
Invest in something other than my 401(k)
Save $5,000
Go a month without buying anything for myself that isn’t a necessity
Save $20 a month for a great vacation at the end of goal (0/33)
Stick to a budget for one month, 100%
Pay off car

Friendships & Relationships
Send 10 ‘Just Because’ cards to friends not in town (0 – 10)
Send out Christmas cards (on time for once)
Call at least one friend at least one time a week for 6 months (0 of 6)
See Blue October with Jess Robbins
See Incubus or Bowling for Soup with Katie Leininger
Visit Jess Robbins in Connecticut
Visit Rebecca Loya in Florida

Self Improvement
Go to the Menil Museum
Attend a Christmas play
Attend a concert in Discovery Park
Shop at a farmer’s market
Master 10 amazing fancy recipes and cook them for others (0 of 10)
Read the 12 personal development books in a year (0 of 12)
Learn how to change a flat tire
Learn how to change the oil on my car
Learn how to shoot a gun
See 10 classic movies that I have never seen (0 of 10)
Reread Dante’s The Divine Comedy

Family
Invite my family over for a home cooked dinner
Call my mom every Sunday for 6 months (0 of 6)
Record family history either by video or by hand
Record my favorite recipes by my mom and grandmother

Home
Buy a piece of artwork I can’t live without
Buy a new bedroom set
Clean out my closet
Move my college degree from my parents house
Buy a new dining room set
Find a place that I love and settle there for a few years

Travel
Visit the Grand Canyon
Have gelato in Rome
Go out of the country with a significant other
Go on a road trip with my mom
Take a girls trip
Visit Washington D.C.
Go on a cruise (preferably Mediterranean)
Visit a winery

Spiritual
Pray every day for a month
Go to church on a non-holiday

Brooklyn
Take Brooklyn to Disney World
Make a photo book about Brooklyn
Invest $1000 in Brooklyn’s name
Take Brooklyn to NYC
Take Brooklyn to Florida
Enroll her in Sunday School
Write her a letter a week to give to her in 15 years
Get Brooklyn into the Dual Language Program
Learn Spanish with Brooklyn

Humility then Depression

What can I say? The last two months have been hell for me. I lost my income at the end of September. Having a great income then none is a lesson in humility. I’ve had to ask for help. I’ve had to sell some things. I’ve had to figure out an alternative. None of it has been easy.

As a result, I’ve completely fallen into a depression. I’ve picked fights with my fiance. I’ve stopped taking care of myself. I’ve drank way too much. I’ve overeaten. I’ve stopped exercising. I’m sad and feel so pathetic. I know the ways to be healthy, both physically and mentally, but I’m exhausted.

I need a game plan to get out of this funk. What do you do when you are depressed? What’s the first step to picking yourself up?

depression

Day 1…again

I won’t say that I am a failure because I’m still alive and still have a chance to turn it around. I will say that I have never been 100% successful with my weight loss journey – that’s fair. With that said, today is Day 1 back on the bandwagon!

It is exactly 22 days until I go to Chicago. Currently, I weigh the most I have ever weighed – even more than I weighed at 9 months pregnant 😦 Losing my friend in May totally sent me into a depression and I drowned myself in a bottle. Sad, but that’s the reality of where I am today. Binging, both on food and drink, is never good, kids. My goal is to lose some inches and a few LBs before Chicago. I’d love to fit in my size 18 shorts. It’s going to take some work and a change of diet, but I think I can do it. As they say, it takes 21 day to make a new habit.

With that said…I’ll be doing the 21 Day Fix. I’ll be using this blog as my accountability friend as well as a reflection of my mental status as I undergo this process.

Today’s Mood: Nervous but excited
Today’s Meals:
Breakfast: Linguine with grilled chicken (2 yellows, 1 red, 1 purple)
Lunch: Minestrone soup with a side grilled chicken salad (3 greens, 1 purple, 1 red, 1 orange, and 1 yellow)
Today’s Inspirational Quote: 

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Revisiting my list

I’ve been in deep thought the last few days. What’s my purpose? Why am I watching others live their dream but I’m barely keeping my head above water. It’s unsettling to say the least. I have had so many opportunities that I threw away. But that doesn’t mean that I have to keep throwing them away, right? Right.

So little pep talk. About 7 years ago, I made a list of things I wanted to do. I got through…maybe a 3rd of them. So I’m going to adjust the list, and restart it where I left off. I’ll give myself the 1,001 days to do the rest.

Here’s the key:
Completed Item
Work in Progress
Haven’t started

Internet/Technology
Blog once a week for a year
Create an app (December 2013)
Upgrade to a flat screen TV (March 30, 2013)
Buy a nice video digital camera
Create my own website (August 2013)
Create a fun music video
Create a fun YouTube video
Learn PHP
Host my own blog
Be a guest blogger
Create a video for YouTube highlighting a good cause

Lifelong Goals
Finish a novel
Buy a house
Complete graduate school
Get engaged
Create my own online business

Humanity
Volunteer at a Houston Habitat for Humanity site
Donate blood
Find out my blood type
Do a random good deed for someone without them knowing
Participate in the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure
Volunteer at a soup kitchen on a holiday
Make a donation in my father’s name

Artistic Expression
Take a photography class
Attend a cooking class
Learn to play a musical instrument
Write a song
Finish learning French
Sell art on Etsy

Health & Beauty
Take a vitamin every day for a month (July 2013)
Attend a yoga/pilates class
Complete 3 Beachbody programs without stopping (0 of 3)
Work out 3 times a week for 6 months (0 of 6)
Get down to 150 lbs
Go to Zumba in Discovery Park
Take my lunch to work every day for 30 days
No sodas for one month (Diet Coke included!) (July 2013)
Get a spray on tan
Have a spa day
Live as a pescatarian for a week
Participate in Shiner B.A.S.H.
Complete a Tough Mudder
Get my haircut on a regular basis for a year

Financial
Pay off credit cards (0 of 4)
Invest in something other than my 401(k)
Save $5,000
Go a month without buying anything for myself that isn’t a necessity
Save $20 a month for a great vacation at the end of goal (0/33)
Stick to a budget for one month, 100%
Pay off car

Friendships & Relationships
Send 10 ‘Just Because’ cards to friends not in town (0 – 10)
Send out Christmas cards (on time for once)
Call at least one friend at least one time a week for 6 months (0 of 6)
See Blue October with Jess Robbins
See Incubus or Bowling for Soup with Katie Leininger
See Taking Back Sunday with Lauren Dollar (July 2014)
Visit Jess Robbins in Connecticut
Visit Rebecca Loya in Florida

Self Improvement
Go to the Menil Museum
Attend a Christmas play
Attend a concert in Discovery Park
Shop at a farmer’s market
Master 10 amazing fancy recipes and cook them for others (0 of 10)
Read the books on this list if I have not done so already
Learn how to change a flat tire
Learn how to change the oil on my car
Read 10 classic books that I have never read (0 of 10)
Reread Dante’s The Divine Comedy

Family
Invite my family over for a home cooked dinner
Call my mom every Sunday for 6 months (0 of 6)
Call my grandmother once a week for 6 months (0 of 6) Sadly, my grandmother passed away in March 2013. I already miss her.
Record family history either by video or by hand
Record my favorite recipes by my mom and grandmother
Host a holiday at my home (Thanksgiving 2013)

Home
Buy a piece of artwork I can’t live without
Buy a new bedroom set
Clean out my closet
Move my college degree from my parents house
Buy a new dining room set
Find a place that I love and settle there for a few years
Move into my own place (March 2013)

Travel
Visit the Grand Canyon
Have gelato in Rome
Go out of the country with a significant other
Go on a road trip with my mom
Take a girls trip
Visit Washington D.C.
Go on a cruise (preferably Mediterranean)
Visit a winery

Spiritual
Pray every day for a month
Go to church on a non-holiday

Brooklyn
Take Brooklyn to Disney World
Make a bear at Build-A-Bear (March 13, 2013)
Potty train Brooklyn
Make a photo book about Brooklyn
Invest $1000 in Brooklyn’s name
Take Brooklyn to NYC
Take Brooklyn to Florida
Enroll her in Sunday School
Write her a letter a week to give to her in 15 years

identity.

i have had lots of thoughts about identity this week – how we identify ourselves and how others perceive us. i am a lot of things:

a mommy
a daughter
a partner
a sister
a friend
a co-worker
a co-owner
a support system

but all of those things are the perception i am to someone else. who am i to myself? what do i identify as? one day, my daughter will be on her own. my mother will sadly pass. my fiance will hopefully be around but no guarantees there. i’ll retire. my brother may pass. if i’m lucky, i’ll always have friends. but do you get my point?

self-identity is so important. i need to figure out what my role in this great cosmic universe is for myself so i can live the best life possible. by doing so, i’ll be the best mom, daughter, partner, sister, friend, employee, and support!

a simple but complicated question: who are you?

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Monday Motivation – Cize It Up!

This Monday Motivation post is more than a picture. It’s me, sharing a very personal moment, with the inter webs. I’m not going to lie – I have a fear of going viral for weird reasons. I don’t want my pictures seen by millions nor do I want a video of myself to go out there to the world to be ridiculed by millions.

That being said, I do want to make an impact.

I read a quote today from One Day by David Nicholls. It said, “Better by far to be good and courageous and bold and to make difference. Not change the world exactly, but the bit around you.” That’s what I’m trying to do. Change the world around me a bit. Perhaps if someone sees what I’m about to post, they will know they, too, can change their lives.

This video clip is a 59 second clip of me “Cizing it up” to Treasure, by Bruno Mars. It is after 40 minutes of me learning the dance from scratch…see the sweat? Haha.

Cize is the latest workout from Shaun T, and I’ve incorporated it into my 21 Day Fix workout schedule. Cize is an amazing cardio program that teaches you how to dance. No lie – it’s the funnest workout I’ve ever done. If you hate running, but need cardio, this is for you. If you are interested in learning more, please feel free to email me at designingyourstars@gmail.com.

2015

The last few days have been tough. I feel like I’m on the last leg of a relationship that I have valued. We have a child together so I know we have both really, really tried, but it just doesn’t look like it will work out. I’m already heartbroken. However, I’m not going to dwell.

Have you ever looked at your life and absolutely hated how things were? It’s so depressing. The really depressing moment, though, occurs when you realize it has been this way for a very, very long time. When I’m very honest with myself, I know that I’m a shell of the person who I used to be and only a spark of the person I want to be. However, I’m on my way to being something different. During 2014, I was blessed to get my finances in order. I feel this was a tremendous accomplishment because I’ve never been good with money. It also showed that I can finish something I start!

2015 is the year I am committed to getting my health in order. I’m overweight. I have high blood pressure. My skin is poor. I’m a borderline alcoholic. I’m a poor example for my daughter.

Not anymore.

I’ve joined an online Beachbody Challenge that I WILL FINISH.

I’ve started my Advocare 24 Day Challenge to jump start the weight loss.

I’m working with a Confidence support group.

I’ve put things in place…2015 will be my year.

My top 5 goals:

1. Run a 5K
2. Wear a size 16 by May
3. Wear a size 12 by December
4. Put 10K in savings
5. Finish my BeachBody Challenge

Push, Day 1

First off – I completed a 90 day happiness challenge. Being completely honest with myself, I did about 70% of what was required of me, but I learned a lot. I now approach life a little different. I remember to be grateful for things daily, and I start each morning with some intention. But there is always room for improvement!

Today I am beginning Chalene Johnson’s 30 Day Push! Chalene Johnson has built a fitness and personal coaching empire and I just love her PiYo workout. This was highly recommended to me, so I’m giving it a shot. And I’m going to do the ‘homework’ here, as long as I don’t mind sharing it with the world at large. If it gets personal, I’ll leave it as a private post. But I’m using this blog as my accountability partner.

Today’s assignment is:

Your first assignment is to take a look at these 10 areas of your life and rate each area on a scale of 1-10. 10 being very satisfied, and 1 being dissatisfied. Jot down each of these areas, give them a score, and hold on to this list because it will help you determine where you need to focus.

#1: Physical Health – 3

#2: Emotional Health – 5

#3: Environment – 5

#4: Financial – 7

#5: Leisure/Fun – 7

#6: Friends/Family – 7

#7: Significant other – 7

#8: Purpose/Career – 7

#9: Personal Growth – 5

#10: Spiritual Growth – 3

The areas I really want to work on are Physical Health, Emotional Health, Personal Growth, and Spiritual Growth. I think bettering those areas will make the other areas better by default.

I’m leaving with this thought of the day: The future depends on what we do in the present. – Mahatma Ghandi.

My October and a trip to the pumpkin patch!

I really need to stay on top of this blog. I want to. But of course, some would argue that if I really wanted to, I would. I need to put a little priority into it. Finish what I start – one of my biggest, biggest flaws.

How to describe my October: Fantastic.

The best part of it was Halloween. My daughter mostly understood the concept of trick-or-treating so we took her around the neighborhood. Unfortunately I did not get many pictures of her in her costume. She insisted it was too big, but it really wasn’t. I don’t think she liked the tulle. She went as Anna from Frozen. She just loves Frozen. In her coronation dress, Brooklyn danced up and down the halls singing, “For the first time in forever…” Two and a half year olds are just great. She has such imagination and is just learning so much! This Halloween, Brooklyn also discovered Curious George and his Halloween movie which we watched many a time. I highly recommend it for toddlers by the way. Again, Brooklyn used her imagination and every morning before school, we searched for No-Noggin.

The day before Halloween, I got to take my little princess to the pumpkin patch. The pumpkin patch is an annual fundraiser at the church of which I am a member so we go every year. This year she understood that she could choose a pumpkin and we chose two, both of them Brooklyn-sized. Perhaps next year we will get a big one to carve! I can’t wait.

On a personal level, I finished Unlimited. Jillian Michaels is definitely a no-nonsense kind of girl. I highly recommend the book. I’ll give a complete review in my next post.

Enjoy pictures to the pumpkin patch. This the most precious thing in my life right now!